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Some of you may be aware of little Eddie, our Romanian Rescue dog.

 

He has several injuries resulting from a life of abuse and torture, the most obvious being the hole in his nose.  I am adding a link to his crowdfunding page at the end of this post on which you read more about his past.

The vets have now had the results of the tissue cultures and swabs: he has a bacterial infection (rather than a fungal one) which is responsible for the destruction of the interior of his nose.  In one way that is good because fungi are harder to eradicate than most bacteria. But the bad news is that not only is the infection in his nose but is also in the bones of his skull.  Therefore, if left untreated he will die.

The bacteria entered his system through the large hole in his nose and have been steadily chomping away internally.  The vet has two treatment plans ready to go, Plans A and B.  We all prefer Plan A which is the simplest and involves eight weeks of targeted antibiotics followed by, if the infection is defeated, plastic surgery to his face to close the hole and help his poor old nose.  Plan B will involve opening up his nose further, packing the whole space with gauze and inserting a tube down which antibiotic will be dripped twice a day, as well as continuing with the oral antibiotics.  When the bacteria are dead, his face will have to be reconstructed.  Sounds horrid, but the vet, a famous vet in the UK, is sure that it is possible to achieve a good result eventually.

Of course, the pet insurance will not pay anything because they state, quite correctly, that it is a pre-existing condition.

It was this TV vet who suggested the crowdfunding as he thinks Eddie is such a deserving case!  Actually, I think that perhaps the vet himself could have offered to waive or reduce the fees, but perhaps he will contribute to the crowdfunding;)

So, we begin medicating tomorrow and will be keeping our fingers crossed.

https://www.leetchi.com/c/money-pot-eddie-22587947

If anyone feels moved to read more about Eddie follow the above link: if you feel like contributing, however little, it would be a real act of kindness, but sharing the link would be really, really helpful too, so that as many people as possible have the chance to read about little Eddie’s amazing story.  Thank you:)

And, as for me, well I completed a 19 day water-only fast in June/July and now am intermittent fasting, eating only in a four hour window during the day.  All to see whether I can reduce or remove the cancer.  But during those four hours I eat for England, which is fun:D

 

Image result for greed for food(From google images.)

Husband has been taken on a weekend trip by our son so I am having an indolent and selfish three days doing exactly what I please, as I please.

Oh yes, and a man crashed his car into the driver’s side of my car yesterday, so something else to sort.  Really, I wonder exactly how many balls I can juggle at once!!!!!

 

. . . and still on the Rollercoaster, but I think I am now travelling up one curve at the moment: fingers crossed that we continue slowly to the top and plateau there for a good long time.

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I have worked hard and made some decisions and am feeling rather better.  But am under no illusions.  At least, I don’t think so.

After further research, and following messages and comments so kindly sent to me, I have made appointments with several people.

  1.   PTSD – I found a lady on the internet whose website I really liked.  We then spoke and seemed to get on well.  After I had made an appointment to see her two other friends mentioned that they either knew her personally or of her work and they spoke extremely highly of her.  She practices EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) by tapping on acupuncture meridian points as one recalls trauma, to change learned emotional/body synapse response.  Image result for PTSD Emotional Freedom TechniqueI am told that this has really good results for many people and has become accepted treatment for many ex-service personnel.  If any of you have experience of this I would be grateful to hear of it.  My husband is sceptical and thinks it is some form of hypnosis:)

2.  I am seeing a tutor of Pilates who is going to help me develop the muscles around the area which will be removed so that I  will have some muscles left to help me move my leg.  Toes crossed this time, for success.

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3.  A local cancer charity provides taster sessions of various therapies free of charge so that one can find out what helps: so I have made an appointment with  a Medical Herbalist/Dietary Consultant who also happens to have a really good reputation and, it turns  out, is a friend/ex-colleague of another friend  of mine.  I am hoping to get some support for my Immune system to help combat the cancer cells and also to help me with my chemical allergies.

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4.   In a similar vein I am having a conversation with a Homeopathic doctor just to explore the situation and get a feel for which way I  want to tackle my  current problems.

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5.   Finally, I have just had a lengthy conversation with an oncology nurse in the USA who has devoted her later career to exploring all the ongoing research and experimental trials in process.  After 20 years working with seriously and terminally ill cancer patients she felt that there were too many alternatives and adjuncts which were not being included in mainstream treatment.  She appeared to  understand my current medical situation at once, as well as understanding how I may have come to this point; certainly her  interpretation of my metabolism and the long term effects of past surgery fitted exactly with how I feel about things.   She suggested some tests which are not offered in the NHS and if I can afford them I think they may be very worth while. I  just may have to join Eddie with the crowd-funding!!!

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Since I have no large intestine and only a little part of my small intestine left, she and I feel that 50 years of impaired absorption leading to imbalances and/or deficiencies may have had  an effect on my immune system.  I also know that I have a SNP on one chromosome which prevents me from metabolising toxins.  Clearly not helpful.   She felt that this fact was a fundamental part of my current problems.  In other words, ‘my bucket is now full’!

So, one test she suggests would check to see exactly what the nutritional condition inside my cells is, rather than what is merely circulating in the blood as there can be many a slip ‘twixt blood, receptors and cell interiors!!

The second test would check a blood sample for any cancer cells which may be circulating: these are then cultured and 150 different  chemo, radiation, immunological and biological factors are tested against the cancer cells to see whether any of them appear to kill  the malignancy.

I am hoping that after speaking to all these people and taking the tests I will feel better informed to make a treatment plan which I can use, apart from or as well as, the surgery.

My feeling is to support and repair my immunity and nutritional status so that the tumour ceases to grow:  then I hope that the surgeon will agree to monitor me for several months more while I trial some of these approaches and see if by any chance the tumour will slowly decrease.   I know he will say there is no chance other than surgery which will be a difficult conversation.

However, since the accepted wisdom is that they have no idea what causes this type of cancer, and since none of the treatments available have any effect at all on it apart from repeated surgeries, I feel that my approach is as good/bad as theirs.

I have to make some decisions about what I am prepared to live with versus mobility/ability to do all the things which I am desperate to achieve.  This is going to be tricky as I do not want to be irresponsible and risk losing many years of good life, but neither do I want to be crippled and lose years to recovering from major surgery and living with an even more debilitated immune system.  I fear that all the drugs which would be used during and after surgery, may finally finish it off.

In the 1980s, when I had six surgeries and general anaesthetics and rounds of antibiotics in eight months, I was left unable to leave my bed for nearly three years.  The medical profession gave up on me and my then consultant just told me that I had the body of an 80 year old woman.  I was in my early thirties and was left to heal myself.  It took me a great deal of research and work to get out of that bed, and I was a much younger woman then.  You can see why I am not immediately trustful of medics.  No criticism intended, but if you do not happen to have an orthodox metabolism or fit the general mould it is hard to find someone who can relate.  Clearly I am some kind of evolutionary throwback.

It is true that action and decision-making makes one feel more in control and therefore stronger.

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Thank you again to everyone who left me comments and who messaged me: the support feels tangible and very real.  I am still worried, scared and feeling inadequate to the task facing me but one step at a time.

PS All the images in this post are from Google Images: none are my own.

 

 

The Cancer FunFair

Warning: a grim, no-holds barred post.  This may depress you so no offence taken if you wish to pass by.

This weekend was my turn on the Cancer merry-go-round.  All weekend.

Researching information, data, following blogs, case studies, alternative treatments, supplementary treatments, tried and untried treatments.  And getting thrown about, sometimes nearly being hurled off, blown up in the air, dragged round on the ground – but trying to cling on for dear life to some kind of objectivity and clarity.  Readers, there is none.

Some people can be helped by some treatments, yet for others there is no help from any kind of treatment. Everyone is an expert in their own field: no-one seems to have the big picture.

Big pharmaceuticals fund research: but only if some kind of drug protocol might have proven benefits.  Obviously.  But it is so hard for other researchers to make any headway in getting funding to check out the effects of basic changes in lifestyle or diet which, if successful, would bring in no money to anyone.

Then there are the politically driven guidelines for medics who are not allowed, in the UK, to discuss any other treatments than those which have full official sanction and funding.    So there is no way to find out about unofficial treatments or experimental treatments unless one pays: and therein lies the next destabilisation.  The prices charged for the slightest thing are astronomical.  £190 for a telephone consultation.  £335 for some urine testing.  £3,000 per week in a German clinic – and that’s without paying for food or lodging.  And those views are not unbiaised either.

So there is nowhere I have found where one can have an objective discussion about the whole subject with access to current research papers both published and unpublished.  In New Zealand they are having some success with stem cell treatment.  But they use stem cells from fat.  In the USA and UK the research appears to be concentrated only on stem cells from muscle.  My knee surgeon dismissed stem cell treatment as expensive and useless for orthopaedic problems although I know from first hand testimony that this is not always the case.  My cancer surgeon dismissed chemo, radiation, and even immunotherapy as pointless and would not let me even discuss stem cell treatment, as being unworthy of note.  Excuse me?  My body, my future, my muscle mass loss, my mobility compromised, my unhealed scars: and we cannot even mention some treatments? Last night I decided to have a rest from the merry-go-round and watch some Netflix instead!!

However, this morning I begin the Roller-Coaster.  Never a dull moment at this Fairground.  I have just had to cancel my holiday innoculations because of advice that my immune system has enough to deal with already because of the cancer, so no unnecessary challenges.  The first meaningful change to my plans because of the liposarcoma.

My son has messaged me: he is trying to fit his work schedule round my next consultations in London in September and the proposed surgery in November. This makes it horribly real.  Shortly I will have to ring the Royal Marsden to speak to the Consultant’s secretary to find out whether they have a time-line and who will be available to speak to me about anaesthetic and medical allergies, and how we are going to find our way through this maze.  Although I left them with pages of details of my chemical allergies, I suspect these have lain in a file, unprocessed, because there is no way round or through these problems and they have not had to deal with someone like me before.

Which brings me to the post traumatic stress disorder I suffer from.  Because of horrific experiences in childrens’ homes and hospitals, both as a child and as an adult, this is real and present.  Institutions terrify me.  Hospitals speak to me only of death and suffering. And this morning I woke up triggered by the message from my son, lying here going through all the things that have happened to me.

Spending three months in Great Ormond Street Hospital for children when I was ten: I never saw my family as they did not have a car, public transport was not available, and they were not well off.  Being told by nurses that my condition was dirty and smelled foul:  I had ulcerative colitis and was a child.  What could I do?

Things like lying on a table surrounded by medical students of my own age, treated like a lump of meat while in stirrups and 12 men looked into my vagina. No permission asked, I never even knew it was going to happen.  I was never spoken to or acknowledged. Oh I am wrong, the consultant barked at me to open my legs wider as they could not see well enough.  I was 21.

Having friends and family come to my bedside from all over the UK and some just off the boat from Europe, to say ‘goodbye’ as I was not expected to live.  Yes folks, I have already done the gradual decline and debilitation journey to death.  Twice.  The months of slow loss of dignity, of strength, of autonomy. The hell written on faces who can only watch and wait. Admittedly I only got to a few days away from death, but I know the journey. And this morning it feels like yesterday.

Surgeons who inserted feet of dry gauze into a deep, deep wound surrounded by the most sensitive nerve endings in the body, without soaking it first so that it stuck to the dried blood in the wound: it had to be pulled out, millimentre by millimetre bringing tissue with it, while I was held down. Afterwards left in complete physical shock while the tearful nurses tried to pretend it had not happened.  When questioned one said I was so near her own age she could not cope with what I was going through.  This was not a one-off incident.

Allergic reactions to anaesthetic leaving me with such migraine pain that I lay rigid, cold, sweating, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, for three days.  It took six hours for a doctor on night duty to be free to come and see me, then longer to get the drugs, and then no effects from the morphine or other drugs.  One nurse said she had never seen anyone in such pain on a surgical ward.

These are just the tip of the iceberg: I feel it may be more than enough sharing.  These happened some years ago so I expect things are very different now.  It is just that these are all my mind and body know and consequently I am in full panic mode right now.  Those of you with PTSD know where I am at today. Curled up in bed, crying, hot, sweaty, trying to ‘write it out’ since I dare not go downstairs and inflict it on my husband.  He is worried enough.

I think this Roller-Coaster is going to be a long one.

So,  having depressed both you and myself, I am going to try to leave this Funfair for a while: I shall crawl out of bed, have a cup of tea, and pretend none of this ever happened, or could ever happen again.  Make my phone calls, then try to organise some counselling and support.  Then thrust my head deep, deep, deep in the sand and on to other things: the garden calls,  I need to write up a statement for Eddie’s Crowd-Funding, I want to think about clothes for China and organise a visa photo.  Not sure whether I have the strength, but I will try.

It’s so ironic that people think I am strong.  If they only knew what you now know.  Enough already. Worse things happening to others. Slap wrist, pull up socks, deep breaths, put smile on.  OK, time to face the day.

 

Seven months silence

So . . . . the longest silence from this site?

What’s been happening?

As ever with life, good things and bad.

A lovely short break in Paris (view from my tiny courtyard studio  flat)

DSC02167where I was lucky enough to meet up with blogger friend Chlost for an afternoon and evening meal with her and some of her family.  That visit was full of memories to treasure.

A wedding in Scotland of two gay friends: small but perfect in an old stone House on the edge of the water in Oban.

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Staff who were thrilled to cater for their first ever gay wedding and threw themselves into making the experience wonderful.  A super trip but I was ill on the way home which began a series of medical encounters, of which more later.

A 70th Birthday party to keep close to the heart.  Two years in the planning.  I hired a boat on Lake Windermere in the Lake District: with balloons, cake, farm food, Ceilidh band and magician and . . . well 80 friends and family members from all part of my life.  To spend two and a half hours in a room where every face took one back to fond memories from one’s life was an experience too huge to put into words.  But perhaps a post with photos to follow?

And then the biggie – a diagnosis of malignant cancer.  Always a heart-stopping moment. Apparently I have a rare lypo-sarcoma.  It has been growing for two years, misdiagnosed four times.  But most General Practitioners in the UK never see even one in a lifetime, so hardly surprising.  The final diagnosis came all in a rush with hospitals and doctors ringing me at home and general panic ensuing on their part.  Then a rushed appointment in London to see a European expert in this type of cancer.  An interesting diagnosis: huge tumour, but low-grade.  Unlikely to metastasize at the moment, but could change its nature at any point. No help from chemo, radiation or immunotherapy; only extensive, radical surgery.  Prognosis: scar minimum of 12″ with the likely removal of a whole major muscle mass.  It sounded like brutal surgery from the 1970s.  May prevent me from walking again.  Likely to return every two to three years with repeat surgery each time to remove it.  Little research done because it is so rare – fewer than 400 a year in UK.  Healing – a problem: large hole, drains, infections, etc etc I will not bore or disgust the faint of heart with the gory details but they made for ghastly listening.

That sent me into retreat, hermit mode: no wish to share.  I refused immediate surgery as I needed more time to process all this.  It took a great deal of digesting.

Finally I and the surgeon came to a compromise: I insisted on continuing on with a holiday I have planned in October this year to China, while I am still mobile. He agreed to postponing surgery until November this year as long as I have MRI scans to monitor the tumour.

I’m still not sure I can face the surgery.  I have terrible sensitivities/allergies to all known antibiotics, pain killers and anaesthetics with the least reactions being agonising migraines, continuing through to hallucinations, fever, infections and complete collapse.

So, the first thing I did was go on a 19 day water only fast.  Then I have been eating a ketogenic diet.  Just in case these regimes might at least help shrink the tumour a little.  Let’s face it, I have nothing to lose but weight and possibly some benefit to gain.  But the surgeon warned me against offers of help, which will be useless, and cost a great deal.  Nothing like proffering hope;)

More on this topic if I can face it and if anyone is interested in my journey, wherever it may lead.

Then the last few days we have been in the south of the UK visiting the Supervet, a specialist vet, with one of our little Romanian rescue dogs, Eddie, who is written about in the post on 1st march 2016.  When we adopted him we did not know about his current wound problems.  He has suffered much abuse in his life and now we are worried about the wound on his nose.  He had his tail chopped off, was hung from a tree by a metal snare round his waist and left to die, Capture

and finally someone tried to kill him by hitting him over the skull with a metal bar with a spike on it.  They missed his skull and hit the top of his nose instead, hence the hole.

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He was rescued, put on a lorry out of Romania, got to the UK and then us.  Of course we insured him, but predictably the insurance company will not help us as they say everything is a pre-existing condition.

Our local vet knows no-one who can help – hence our visit to the Supervet. We were met by a delightful New Zealand surgeon who sat on the floor with Eddie, and began by saying that everything was possible, for a price.  (I wish my cancer surgeon had that attitude!!)  Eddie stayed overnight and underwent some procedures and now we await the results of tests but we have been warned that reconstructing his nose will cost from £2,000-£6,000.  Now,  we try to be responsible animal lovers, so we will do what it takes: if we have to take out a mortgage on the house we will.  The nurses who all loved little Eddie immediately said, “Go Crowd-Funding” and the surgeon said that he is a very deserving case.   Now I know nothing of such things but they were insistent that I give it a try.

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Do any of you know about crowd-funding, what it is and how to go about it?  My immediate thought is that it sounds like begging, and that is anathema to me.

So, lots going on here.  Some lovely, some dreadful, life’s rich tapestry really.  I’m never too sure what to post because I would hate to depress anybody: I’m not depressed myself, just rather unhappy and over-whelmed at the moment.  But if people would like to follow any of these stories I am happy to write about them.

Over to you folks.  I will follow the directions suggested by any comments:)

Books and chocolate

It seems to be a pattern this year, just as I am embarking on blogging about a trip away, life intervenes and the posts stop before they really get started.

Oh well, I hope that my Scotland trip will still appear here, but for now my seasonal offering this year is a tradition from Iceland I have just heard about from litlovers facebook page:

The “Jólabókaflóð” – literally, the Christmas Book Flood.  Apparently Icelanders love books perhaps more than any other nation in the world, and every Christmas everyone will find at least one book under their Christmas tree.

 

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Bells ring out at 6.0 pm on Christmas eve and then Icelanders sit down to a formal meal:  many  listen to the service on the radio even if their families aren’t religious, just because this is the beginning of the Christmas celebrations.  Once the meal is over and cleaned up, the gift distribution (or book distribution) begins. In fact, it’s a tradition in Iceland to open the books and spend all Christmas Eve reading and drinking hot chocolate, or better still, to climb into the freshly cleaned sheets of your bed, in your new pyjamas, with your new book plus some chocolate, and spending the night under the covers eating and reading:)

Its interesting that chocolate in some form seems to go hand in hand with reading:  clearly I am Icelandic:)

I hope you get some good books this Christmas!

 

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It has been a hard few weeks: poor Minstrel has left a huge void.

Three weeks ago I scattered his ashes along with those of Spot, his earlier amd most beloved companion.  We had planted a tree for Spot in a place where he loved to rest and I scattered the joint ashes around this tree in the little spinney.

But we now have little Chester/Jester who has come to keep lonely Saxon company: from the same animal sanctuary.

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As you can see he is a Shetland.  He came on trial but has fitted in well and is a very amenable chap although not backward in coming forward!  As our vet said, “He is a leader isn’t he?”  And that is just what Saxon needed: they got on well from the beginning.  As Chester/Jester was unloaded and came into the field he just took off and inspected everything with no qualms, basically saying, “Come with me or not, it’s up to you but I’m going this way.”  Saxon looked bemused at first but then followed on behind and now they are inseparable.

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We prefer the name Jester but as we have not yet been given his Passport we can do nothing about that.  He is a rescue from the Shetland Isles, as yet we do not know his full back story.  He is 12 years old and 35 inches at the shoulder, only 2/3rd the size of Saxon.  In fact when he stands in front of Saxon he looks as though he could almost stand under Saxon’s tum!

The temptation is to treat him like a large dog but we need to remember that he is in fact a large horse, just in a small body.  He now whinnies at me when I go out to the field and seems very sweet but it is important that he knows who is boss.

We had the vet out last week to file down Saxon’s teeth which were giving him trouble.  Our vet, Chris, has had Shetlands for many years.  At Easter he had to have his two put down, they were 34 and 36 years old respectively.  He was heartbroken.  He said they used to wander wherever they wanted, often coming into the kitchen.

So he went and adopted seven Shetlands from the Sanctuary that Chester/Jester and Saxon come from.  Chris and his wife began taking the ponies into Old Peoples’ Homes and to Schools for children with special needs.  But because of Health and Safety rules the ponies have to wear socks and horse nappies.  Two of the ponies did not enjoy this so they were left at home to graze peacefully, but the others loved it.  One old lady spent her last months knitting socks for the ponies: when she died Chris asked her family if they would like her favourite pony to come to the funeral.  They were overjoyed, said yes at once, and the pony led the cortège.

One particular incident which moved Chris profoundly was when a boy of 8 who was deaf and blind was shown one of the ponies. The lad felt it all over and then just leaned over the pony’s back with his arms around its neck, feeling it breathing and stayed there for ages, at least forty minutes.  The pony remained still the whole time.

Chris confirmed that, unlike most horses, Shetlands can live out in the worst weather because they have two coats of hair, rather like water birds have with down and feathers.  The base coat is very dense and soft like down, with the longer coarser hairs making up the top coat.  So we have bought Saxon a new, very thick, padded winter coat with a cover which goes all the way up his neck to his ears and fits round his neck so that he can stay outside more in winter with Chester/Jester.  But Jester will just have to come in and spend the night in the stable if the weather is too bad for Saxon, even though Jester gets bored and wants to be out and about.

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(This is not Saxon’s new coat, but gives the idea.  His is navy blue with green edging.  This photo comes from Google images.)

So there we are, the continuous circle of life moving onwards.  Sometimes comforting, sometimes feeling rather cruel when we might rather get off and take time out.

But it is a great blessing to have two happy ponies once more grazing in the field behind the house: to look out at empty fields would be desolate.

 

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The one left behind

They came to take Minstrel’s body away yesterday.  I remembered the day 20 years ago when he came to us.

I had driven over to Matlock to fetch him in a horsebox which had an open internal body so that the horse could see the driver and vice versa (my choice).  There was only a short partition between us meaning he could lean over, just, to us. He did not like the journey much and was shivering with stress so we stopped early on in the journey at a Newsagent to buy him some mints: horses usually LOVE mints.  Minstrel certainly did and my companion fed him polo mints all the way back to our house.  Minstrel’s stomach always ruled his life!

Saxon our remaining pony was adopted from a local animal sanctuary when Spot our first and oldest pony died.  Spot had been Minstrel’s companion and when Spot went blind Minstrel became his guide and security, leading him around the fields and standing guard over him when Spot lay down to sleep and rest.  When Spot died at the grand old age of 32 Minstrel was beside himself with grief: it came off him in waves so tangible that it affected all who came near him.  Before that I never knew that horses could shed tears.  Minstrel became iller and iller with grief, hence the adoption of Saxon.

Now Saxon is left alone.  He does not appear to be grief-stricken as Minstrel was all those years ago.  We left Minstrel’s body in the field for 24 hours so that Saxon could come to terms with what had happened and so that he was in no doubt that his friend had not just left, but had died.  For the first day and night Saxon stood beside Minstrel’s body but after that he drifted around the field.  After Minstrel’s body was taken away we brought Saxon into the stable for the night: the place where he felt secure.  But yesterday afternoon and today he has been standing at the top of the field looking for – what?  Something.  He is constantly scanning the horizon.  Is he looking for Minstrel or any horse/pack that he can find?

Saxon has always been a nervy pony and clearly hates being alone: in the horse world this means that he is vulnerable to attack by predators.  Some horses can cope, some cannot.

So what to do?

Husband resolutely states that this must be my decision.  However, he refuses to let local farmers run other animals on our land, which would provide company for Saxon.  He also refuses to let anyone else come and pasture and stable their horses with us, which would have also helped.  He suggested getting a pig or a goat, but they would be lots of work and more vets’ bills.  If I were younger I would leap at the chance but having a gammy knee is not the time to take on more work.

This appears to leave two alternatives.  One is to return Saxon to the Sanctuary.  But he has been here for over 12 years and is at home here.  He is also bonded to us.  I rang the Sanctuary today to find how they were doing and it appears that things were so bad this summer that they were one month away from having all their animals put down.  The last thing they can manage is yet another animal.  So that one is off the agenda.  Of course there are other sanctuaries but it seems hard on Saxon who is an old horse (27) with not many years left to him.  The second choice is another horse.  The lady at the Sanctuary said that they have a 12 year old Shetland pony who is beautifully natured and will get on with anyone.  He was abandoned some years ago on Shetland itself.  Forewick ChesterI don’t know much more about him yet.  He is only 35 inches tall at the withers (about 8.75 hands) so would, in theory, be easier to manage than a large horse.  Saxon himself is only 12 hands.

Also it appears that Shetlands are good-doers, hardy and easy to care for.  Tick, tick, tick.

The upshot is that Chester, for that is the name of the Shetland, is coming on Sunday morning to see how he and Saxon get on.  Of course this will be explained by husband to family and friends with uplifted eyes and a deep sigh, as being my choice:  I suppose it is, but only because all other avenues were closed off to me!

I hope that this will help Saxon to be happier, give Chester a good home and help the animal Sanctuary.  Nothing will fill that particular hole in my heart though.

(Husband has just come in and said that he dislikes Shetlands! OK but what does he want to do?)

As for me, apart from the internet I am holed-up and taking some days off away from the world.  I cannot speak to anyone yet without breaking down and it is taking all my energies just to get through at the moment.  Minstrel was cremated today and his ashes will be coming home in a few days.  I will scatter them along with those of his oldest and greatest friend, Spot, whose ashes I still have.

I have asked for a tiny piece of his forelock to keep in a drawer because it still smells of him.  These animals, they do so get into your heart.

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