To blog or not to blog?
I have abandoned my poor old blog for many months while I cope with what life has been throwing at me.
2012 had its moments: many of them on-going and still current. They occupied huge amounts of energy, both physical and emotional and I did not want to blog about them as I do not want this to be a ‘misery’ blog.
To sum up – Cons:
- both a dear friend and dear ex-brother in law were diagnosed with cancer: treatment on-going
- son and daughter in law decided to divorce: process on-going with various traumatic ups and downs
- all three grandchildren having significant problems and needing support
- multiple chemical sensitivities and food allergies diagnosed for me: not strong enough yet to continue with immunisation treatment. No energy and medical, and dental treatments and balance compromised by said sensitivities. My day is interspersed by falling over or nearly doing so, banging into furniture and panicking because I do not know where my feet are. I have to spend a great deal of time cooking special meals and then resting: not the kind of life I want to live.
- second old dog companion had to be put down
- migraine treatment discontinued and therefore migraines getting worse
- being stuck at home unable to travel, make commitments or get out and about much due to health problems. I do so miss my walks in the country and natural history observations. And I am a natural traveller and explorer: I want to get out there!
- diagnosed with macular and retinal hole on New Year’s Eve. Since I cannot tolerate anaesthetics, antiseptics or antibiotics, a way forward is not yet clear. Reading, playing music and bird watching very compromised so far.
- Time at the computer rationed
- Subsequently, a long fight against depression
Pros:
v I have a lovely, albeit leaky and cold, home in the countryside, with good neighbours
v I have a, mostly, supportive husband
v I have wonderful, wonderful, generous friends.
v I have glorious, cheerful and interactive animals
v We have enough income to get by
v My family live close by and I can see them frequently
v I have a stubborn streak which will out
v My investigations for MS proved negative
v The Internet exists which makes research from one’s bed possible
But I have missed the people I have met through blogworld and also missed the writing. So I am thinking of trying to return to blogging again whilst restricting myself to 30 mins. composition per post. In a way, I hope it will help me count my blessings and concentrate on the cheerful things I can find each day to write about.
Many of the blogs I follow are written by inspiring people who make the most of their lives: it is time I pulled up my socks and got out into the greater world again. Vicarious travel is better than none.
The trouble is that I am so angry: and although I do count my blessings, I also envy all my friends who are so fit and healthy and able to do what I want to do. A doctor asked me last week how I felt about my friends: feeling very ashamed I said that I love them dearly but I want to punch them for being so well! I would prefer to be ill rather than wish any ailment on them, but I am so cross with them. She laughed and I said, very shamefacedly, that I do not want to hurt anyone, but I do so want to punch the people who can do what I cannot. What a paradox and how childish. But I am soooo frustrated.
All my life when ill heath has prevented me from following my inclinations I promised myself that when middle age hit I would be able to do things. I would have had my share young but once past that I could begin to live. Later, I thought, well I can be the most disgracefully behaved old lady because when my friends begin to lose some of their vigour, it will be my time to live! In my teens when I was too ill to study: in my twenties when I was too ill to go to University: in my thirties when I was too ill to follow a career: in my forties when at last I thought my time had come I was hit with ME: in my fifties it was massively incapacitating and untreatable migraines each lasting five days, one every ten days: and now in my sixties – multiple allergies and sensitivities leading to loss of balance, energy, muscle strength, and preventing routine medical help.
And my time in the sun is not happening. I have fooled myself for 60 years and now perhaps I have to give in. But this reality is not my reality. Inside I feel so strong and fit: that there is some small irregularity in the mechanism, which if switched to another setting, would sort everything out. So I am angry: this is not how it was meant to be. This is not how it is going to be. I hope not to write about this again, but that is where I am coming from. An extremely angry, frustrated and sometimes depressed woman.
So onwards and upwards: I will try again the discipline of finding joy in small things and post them on here.
Back to blogging.
Although I cannot relate to what you are going through, I understand what you mean when you say that the energy within seems misaligned with one’s physical limitations. I began having knee problems (exact diagnosis yet unclear) a few years ago. The restrictions this posed were not, especially by comparison, very far reaching. Any hiking, running, etc. that I did, though, was done against doctor’s orders. I greatly admire your courage in facing this, and in taking up your blog again. I will keep you in my thoughts, and I look forward to your posts.
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Thank you so much: it took courage for me to write such an exposed post and to admit to my disgraceful feelings about those fitter than me. I am sorry to hear about your knee problems and hope that this has not imposed too great a restriction on what you like to do:) I look forward to seeing you back again!
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If I’m not careful, I get very angry that others can hear properly, that they can take part in social stuff, that they can hear and laugh at jokes . . . oh, all sorts of things. I know that is nothing to what you’ve been through and continue to go through, but I sort of understand how it feels.
Lovely to have you back, I have missed you very much indeed.
J xxx
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Thank you very much. It is such a relief to know that others feel angry too: I feel so ashamed to feel like that at other peoples’ good fortune. I am so lucky to have reasonably good hearing: it must be maddening for you in your profession and loving music so much too. I do sympathise. It is lovely to be back, I have missed you all too:)) Glad you are over that nasty virus.
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It’s very frustrating about the music but I am glad that I do have a certain amount of control over background noise in my classroom so can turn the aids up a bit at times.
The virus was horrible and I, too, am really glad to have seen the back of it. Thank you for your good wishes. 🙂
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Oh, it is so good to hear your voice again. To start out, I think it would be very strange if you were not angry. I am angry for you. I am also angry at myself that I take my good health for granted while you are fighting just to keep upright. Also, I think that anger can sometimes bring strength. So I say….own your anger. It’s totally justified. Then take it from there, wherever that brings you.
I have missed you very much. I have often wonedered about you. I now have skype vailability….if that is easier to use to keep in touch with others of us in the blogging world, I’d be thrilled to do so with you.
I hope your connections to the blogging world give you support as you are making these difficult adjustments to life.
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This is the post I wish I had the courage to write. We share some of the same problems, and I too was “absent” for long periods during 2012. It’s not so much a fear of putting personal feelings out there, as the knowledge that if I put it down in writing, I have to acknowledge that I’m holding on by my fingertips.
So I understand your anger and frustration. I do hope that you continue to post on your blog.
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I am desperately sorry to hear that you are suffering in the same way and angry on your behalf:( And I quite understand what you said in your post of 9th November, about the blog being the ‘happy place’. That is what I have always felt about mine, I did not want to spread the misery around, but I felt I owed it to people who read here, not just to leave for months and months and then stop completely, so I decided to spill the beans.
It was a difficult decision, especially since I am ashamed of some of my feelings, but they are real and so strong, so I decided to take a chance.
Like you, too, seeing it in writing is hard: it looks so real that way. But that does not mean there is no hope, and I shall fight every inch of the way, when I have the energy. And perhaps sometimes a happy blog is not as helpful to others who are also struggling: sometimes it helps to know that others are in the same boat.
I hope you have good, supportive friends around you, and some health providers, doctors and complementary therapists who may help: I am spending a lot of time researching on the net to see what I can find out myself to help me.
If you ever need to let off steam or moan, do please feel free to email me at – sweffling@yahoo.com.
The very best of luck with your difficulties, and thanks for commenting, I really appreciate the support:))
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It is difficult to keep your blog a “happy place” when you feel far from happy. I was considering starting a separate blog to express my darker feelings, but just don’t have the energy for it at the moment . . .
One thing I do enjoy is listening to podcasts and audiobooks during those periods when I find reading difficult. I find being read or spoken to very relaxing – it becomes like my own peaceful little world.
Thanks for the offer to correspond privately – the same goes for you. It does help to have contact with somebody who knows what you are going through. You can get my email address from the comments page.
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Thanks for that Lisa. Keep strong and tunnel through. ((((Big hug))))
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Goodness, you came across my blog and shared many a kind word, as well as some great tips. I am new to the blog world and can for me already see the benefits of doing this. You are inspirational to me and I am really enjoying reading your blog. I am really enjoying the style you write in, you are very honest and wear your heart on your sleeve. If it is OK with you I would like to tag along and read more about you and your life, I am sure I can learn a lot 🙂
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How kind of you! Lovely to see you here and please do tag along. I am never sure of what interest my ramblings may be to others, but it very much helps me to get my feelings ‘out’ and to know that there are so many lovely and supportive people out there. Also, it helps to know the things others are dealing with in their lives:))
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